I’ve realized in the last month that I am always quick to forgive people in my life when they hurt me. I never want anyone to feel alone or that they don’t have anyone to talk to so even when they treat me like garbage I continue to let them stay in my life for their benefit. Unfortunately for me it makes my depression worse, gives me panic attacks and makes me want to kill myself. I need to change for me.
2013 will be Sam’s year.I will say goodbye to people who don’t treat me with respect or care about my well being. I will tell myself everyday to not be sad because I deserve happiness, i deserve to have people around me who love me and care about me. Hopefully by the end of the year I will truly believe this.
This resolution actually terrifies me because I may lose a lot of my friends but I have to believe that it will make me happier and leave room in my life for people who deserve to be there.
Goodbye 2012. 2013 please be good to me!
I’m not doing so well today. I normally don’t write on my blog because i don’t want to bother anyone but I need to get this off my chest. I found a lump under my boob this morning. I know it’s probably nothing but i’m kinda terrified. I’m only 19 and the chances of it being cancer are very slim but you never know. As well as that i’m disgusted by myself night now. i binged after dinner. Ate so much extra. I can’t even look at myself right now. All I can feel right now is all my fat. Its like someones covered me in mud or something. I’m just gross. And the guy I’ve been dating is a total sweetheart and all i’ve been doing is trying to find fault in him. I keep telling myself that i’m just a rebound to him and that i mean nothing. He see’s me as a goddess but all i can see is an ogre. I think that i’m trying to stop myself from getting hurt but really i’m killing any chances with him. I dont know why I keep making myself so unhappy. Why i always have to make myself cry. I just feel like im completely broken as a person and theres no way of getting better. I just dont know anymore.